Inside/Outside

For the last 15 years, one of the most important ideas in my practice of improvisation has been the idea that one must be inside herself and the improvisation as well as outside of it. One must pay attention to what one is experiencing in their own body/mind/soul as well as what is happening within the piece (with the other dancers, musicians, the space itself) as well as what the audience is seeing/experiencing.  It requires a sort of dual presence and awareness.  In the beginning, this was a difficult task and sometimes still is, but overall over time, it has become easier and often automatic.

I began teaching improvisation 5 years ago and this has been a skill that I have emphasized in class as well.

The longer I practice improvisation, the more the skills I practice in the studio and onstage enter my everyday life.  This feels both natural and correct.  I am not interested in being one person when I am improvising/making art and one person in my "real" life.  However, there are fewer rules and expectations in my creative world than in everyday societal life.  There are so many ways that we are expected to act and behave in our social interactions.  It is not my goal to rebel against social behaviors simply for the sake of doing so, yet sometimes I feel the more fluid, improvisational part of myself out in social situations.  I sense, I intuit, I adapt and adjust based on what I am feeling and observing.  Sometimes this is done without discussion or verbal acknowledgment.  For me, it can feel both necessary and obvious when perhaps it is not to others.  Also in improv, we allow ourselves to slip seamlessly from being inside our self and out, to follow impulse and urge, to respond to the strong and clear parts of our self.  While we foster our awareness and ability to shift from one perspective to another, we also sharpen our connection to our self.  We learn to sense and act with quick trust of impulse.  We switch from intellect to animal in a second.We hone our ability to shift and act without hesitation or doubt.  If you are less tuned, it can feel like a fast and unpredictable dance, but for those who have been developing these skills, it is sharp shooting.  While we learn to shift, we also sense continuity of theme and essence.  Something remains true, clear and intentional throughout.  While we sculpt details we remain aware of the big picture.

Recently I have had some moments of pause and reflection about some of my actions in my personal life.  As others have questioned my behavior, I have stopped to think about how and why I do what I do.  My understanding is that my practice of improvisation has extended to all moments of my life.  It is not possible, nor do I wish it to be possible, to have one brain and body when I am in the studio and one brain and body when I am not.  I am always alive.  I am always improvising.  Different parts of me and my awareness may burn stronger or weaker at different times, but it is all always there.  As I said, it is not my intention to push things for the sake of pushing them, but it is my wish to live in a full, sensitive and free way as much as possible.  I do not say that this is THE WAY to be or that others SHOULD live this way.  I am simply being true to myself as I wish everyone to be.  Ego still exists, emotions still exist but so does one's ability to shift and take space and observe from the outside.  What we observe from inside is so strong because of all the thoughts, feeling and sensations in our own body and then all the ways we feel because we connect to another being in a specific way, yet there is also a more objective witness that we are capable of being.  I find the most rich experience is when I take time to visit all of these perspectives.  In a hot second, I very well am just in one, but with pause and openness I may be able to visit many different perspectives.  I may be able to learn and experience much more by shifting perspectives.  Indeed, I may return to my most personal and internal experience and act from that place, but for me, it is worth stepping out and seeing what can be experienced from another part of my awareness.

It's a strange walk through life as we dilate our senses and take some distance from ourselves... perhaps even overwhelming.  Yet I would never wish to shrink back to operating within a smaller sphere for safety or acceptance.  Sometimes I get pushed back so hard, that I sit on the floor for a while and wonder what the fuck just happened, but then I get up and get back on my path.  I ask my questions, take my risks, sometimes I get slapped in the face or  walked away from, but mostly I have damn interesting dances through my days.

I am an improvisor.